Unspoken Wounds: What I Couldn't Say About Coercion, "Love", and Lost Identity

"⚠︎ CW / Trigger Warning: Mentions of non-consensual sexual experiences, emotional coercion, sexual trauma, and domestic abuse."

Why are we not allowed to practice sexual purity culture? Popular media implies I must have sex, must be attracted to anyone, must gaze at whom I am attracted to.

But ironically, that mainstream sexual culture (my past girlfriend) also attempted to take advantage of my sexual instincts against my will, and I am no longer innocent. I still feel distressed when choosing between which culture to follow.

They are rebellious cultures, though. Not making things right with conscience and respect. So, they rebel against those 1990s to 2000s by taking advantage of me?

My past sexual trauma (six years ago) is still inside, overwhelming my thoughts.

I have been through unrecognised sexual trauma disguised as love.

It seems she can easily defend herself by saying that she has BPD, and that she is not the only one who makes mistakes.

If it is true that dating and relationships require sex, then sex should be a mutual choice—freely made by ourselves. It should be a conscious choice and plan rather than something used to exploit me, using love as packaging. Acting impulsively makes no sense, though. Sexual compulsion causes distress, not peace and pleasure together. Why, when I had sex, I did feel unspoken distress and tense muscles instead of peace and pleasure? How come she could enjoy peace and pleasure (if she did), even though I experienced distress? Sadly, I still wanted her to stay with me, and at that time I thought it was love.

At that time, she was also facing almost persistent sexual harassment by her own surroundings — her family. Her father touched her while she was asleep. But that does not mean it also a permission to cause trauma onto me.

All of these issues are still unspoken. I told others that the relationship and sex were consensual, that she was planning to marry me. I didn't explain clearly, just suggested that this was just a normal relationship—buried in an unwritten story in the world.

Since the past six years, I have often looked for rebound sex, thinking it’s normal and human to seek sex. But it distresses me. I feel like I am no longer myself, but often trying to learn others’ cultures or blend in with others.

She was not a good partner. She was a partner or enemy who tried (and maybe still tries) to mislead me and blame her BPD for it.

I still remember her posting on social media, “Satanism is good now.” I don’t know what it means. But religion or anything else should not be forced on me either.